Humour Help Desk Calls The Great Unwashed

The Great Unwashed

HellDesk: Technical Support, how can I help you?
End User: I've just received one of these 51/4 inch disk thingies through the post, but my PC won't read it.
HellDesk: Okay, have you put the disk in the drive the right way round?...
End User: Um, I think so.
HellDesk: ...with the label facing upwards and towards you?
End User: Er, yeah.
HellDesk: Hmmmm. Let me think for a moment.
(The techie wonders if the 'latch door' of the drive isn't open, so the PC can't read the disk).
HellDesk: Sir, have you closed the door?
End User: Will that make a difference?
HellDesk: Yes, sir, the disk won't read if the door is open.
End User: Oh, okay then.
The techie hears the phone being put down, and the sound of the user getting up from his chair, then footsteps disappearing into the distance. A door bangs shut. A few seconds later...
End User: No, that didn't work, the disk still won't read!

(from an English IT. trade magazine)
HellDesk: Good Morning, IT. Department.
End User: Oh, hello there. I seem to have a problem with my mouse.
HellDesk: Okay, what's wrong with it?
End User: Well, it seems to have been working until a few minutes ago.
HellDesk: Right, and what's the mouse pointer on the screen doing now?
End User: Nothing. When I move it, the little arrow thingy on the screen just stays still.
HellDesk: Does it seem to be plugged into the back of the machine?
End User: (Pause) Yes, it seems to be in okay.
HellDesk: Have you cleaned the mouse ball recently?
End User: Oh, yes, I clean it once a week. I cleaned it this morning, in fact.
HellDesk: Okay, I'll come down and have a look at it.
(It turned out that the user had cleaned the mouse ball earlier that day. But he didn't mention that the mouse ball had dropped out of it and fallen onto the floor. Apparently, he'd accidentally picked up a fluff-covered Malteser from the floor and had mistaken it for the mouse ball, and put it inside the mouse!).

HellDesk: Hello. Technical Support, how may I help you?
End User: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
HellDesk: What sort of trouble?
End User: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
HellDesk: Went away?
End User: They disappeared.
HellDesk: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
End User: Nothing.
HellDesk: Nothing?
End User: It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type.
HellDesk: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
End User: How do I tell?
HellDesk: (thinks) Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway. Can you see the C:\> prompt on the screen?
End User: What's a sea-prompt?
HellDesk: (thinks) Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack. Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
End User: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
HellDesk: (thinks) Ah-at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug. Does your monitor have a power indicator?
End User: What's a monitor?
HellDesk: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
End User: I don't know.
HellDesk: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cable goes into it. Can you see that?
End User: (muffled sound of rustling and jostling) Yes, I think so.
HellDesk: Great! Follow the cable to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
End User: (pause) Yes, it is.
HellDesk: (thinks) Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something. When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
End User: No.
HellDesk: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
End User: (muffled) Okay, here it is.
HellDesk: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.
End User: (still muffled) I can't reach.
HellDesk: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
End User: (clear again) No.
HellDesk: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean over?
End User: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.
HellDesk: Dark?
End User: Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
HellDesk: Well, turn on the office light then.
End User: I can't.
HellDesk: No? Why not?
End User: Because there's been a power cut.
HellDesk: A power...?!? (thinks) AAAAAAARGH! A power cut? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
End User: Yes...?
HellDesk: Good! Go and get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the shop you bought it from.
End User: Really? Is it that bad?
HellDesk: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
End User: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
HellDesk: Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER! (the 'phone slams down)

HellDesk: Hello, Help Desk?
End User: (Nervous) Hi, erm... I wonder if you can help me. I was using my bosses new computer, and I've managed to spill coffee all over the keyboard. Help!
HellDesk: (Thinks: Keyboards are very cheap. It's probably worth rinsing it under the tap) Okay, just rinse it under the tap with some warm water, then wait until it's dry before you plug it back in again.
End User: Oh, that's great, you've saved my life, thanks a lot!
(Later that day...)
End User: Hello, Help Desk?
HellDesk: Yes, hello?
End User: Can I please speak to the idiot who persuaded my secretary to run my new £4000 laptop PC under the tap?!?!

HellDesk: Technical Support, may I help you...?
End User: Yes. You've sent me a floppy disk with some software on for my PC, and now the floppy drive doesn't work.
HellDesk: Your floppy drive doesn't work?
End User: (Angrily) Yes, that's what I said.
HellDesk: When you installed the software what kind of error message did you get?
End User: Have you listened to a word I said? I didn't get any error message, the disk just got stuck in the drive. So I took a pair of pliers and tried to get your faulty disk out of my drive, but that didn't work either.
HellDesk: You did what, sir?
End User: I said I tried to get it out with pliers, but that didn't work. So I got a pat of butter, put it in the microwave to melt it a little, and tried to use that to ease the disk out of the drive. And that managed to dislodge the disk and I removed it with the pliers. And now the floppy drive doesn't work. And I'd like to know what you're going to do to fix it!
HellDesk: (a little non-plussed by this) Erm...
End User: I can't believe you'd send me a faulty disk! I think I should sue you over this!
HellDesk: Sir, did you try ejecting the disk using the eject button on the floppy drive?
End User: No, I didn't. What are you going to do to fix my PC?
HellDesk: Sir, let me get this right... you claim our disk stuck in your floppy drive, and rather than use the eject button, you tried to force the disk out with a pair of pliers, then when that didn't work you inserted a pat of warm butter into the drive and then forcibly removed the disk with the pair of pliers?
End User: Yes, that's right. When will you collect my PC to fix it?
HellDesk: Sir, are you aware that we record all our telephone support calls at this company...?
End User: (Click...)

HellDesk: Hello. How can I help you today?
End User: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer.
HellDesk: Looks like you need a new power supply.
End User: No, I don't! I just need to change the start-up files.
HellDesk: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it.
End User: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system start-up files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command.
(For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded)
HellDesk: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
End User: I knew it!
HellDesk: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes.
(About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer.)
End User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
HellDesk: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
End User: MS-DOS 6.22.
HellDesk: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out.
(When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again.)
End User: I need a new power supply.
HellDesk: How did you come to that conclusion?
End User: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply.
HellDesk: What did he tell you?
End User: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

(Technical support department of a UPS - Uniterruptable Power Supply - company)
End User: Hello, technical support? You've got to help me. We've just had a power failure in the office.
HellDesk: And your UPS didn't kick in?
End User: No, it kicked in just fine...
HellDesk: So the problem is...?
End User: ...well, it worked just fine until the backup diesel generator which keeps the UPS going died!
HellDesk: Oh...
End User: So, I need someone out to look at it right now.
HellDesk: Right, let's just check a few things out. Has your UPS unit been serviced regularly and had it's batteries checked within the last few months?
End User: Yes. Look, this is just wasting time. Can't you just get an engineer out to me now?
HellDesk: Sorry, sir, I need to check things out over the 'phone first. Now, you have a backup diesel generator, you say?
End User: (Sigh) Yes, it keeps the UPS batteries charged up whilst it's being used, so the UPS can keep going for the duration of the power-out. Look, is this going to take much longer?
HellDesk: And the diesel generator is fed from...?
End User: A fuel pump, what else?
HellDesk: And the fuel pump, where does that get its power from?
End User: Well, it's just plugged into a normal mains outlet... Oh.

Helpdesk Howlers 3