Humour Help Desk Calls 10 Rules of Tech Support

Ten Rules

#1. Voice mail options are to be changed every Monday, to ensure that customers must listen to ALL the endless options before being able to make a choice. Note: Be sure to put "Speak to a Tech Support team member" at the very end of the list, right after "If you need to order an instruction manual in Mandarin, press 202."

#2. If a customer is calling about a software problem, immediately blame their hardware.

#3. In order to maintain good customer relations, only put a caller on hold if you are taking a 15-30 minute coffee break. If you are taking a full lunch hour, take their number. Then throw it away and wait for them to call back

#4. If a customer is calling with a hardware problem, immediately blame their software.

#5. Remember: To the customer, you're a god, a genius who's 100 times smarter then they are. Feel free to talk down to them. NOTE: Don't worry about answering questions from computer savvy nerds. Since they don't call Tech Support, you'll never have to answer a question that you can't fake your way through.

#6. If you have no idea what the customer's problem is, simply tell them "You obviously don't have the latest upgrade." Then instruct them to search for it on the Web -- that will keep em busy for months.

#7. If it turns out a customer is calling with a valid problem that you already know about, say: "I've never heard of that happening before, but I'll ask a senior engineer. Please hold." Then, after your coffee break, come back on the line and give vague, confusing instructions on how to fix it.

#8. AOL is the official scapegoat for any hardware or software a customer may experience. AOL has screwed up so much over the past two years that anyone will accept AOL as the cause of their problems -- even if the don't have AOL!

#9. Always be sure to ask the caller to list the other programs they're using. When they name the third one, immediately blurt out: "Oh, there's your problem. That program isn't compatible with ours."

#10. As an absolute final resort: Tell the customer that an upgrade that will fix everything will be available in two months. This will buy us enough time to work hard..to update this excuse list!

Sent to me by a pal of mine - cheers Ivor

Technical Support