Humour What's That Scotsmist Computer Virii

Computer Virii

Here's One for our American Cousins...Across The Pond

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB and then slowly expands back to 300 MB.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by c:>

Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole dang thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self distructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Ollie North virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

Nike virus: Just does it.

Sears virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

Jimmy Hoffa virus: Your programs can never be found again.

Imelda Marcos virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for £4,500.

George Bush virus: It starts by boldly stating "Read my docs...No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

L.A.P.D. virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defence."

Oral Roberts virus: Claims that if you don't send it a million pounds, its programmer will take it back.

The "I love you, too" virus: Responds with an appropriate letter stating that the user loves you as well. Spreads peace and harmony throughout the corporate workplace, causing lost productivity and chaos on Wall Street as no one tries to screw anyone else out of a deal.

The "I'm looking for more of a commitment" virus: Receives the "I love you" virus email and immediately schedules a recurring event called "hold for my sweetie" for Friday and Saturdays into your calendar and the calendar of the person who sent the mail, registers you for a year of pre-paid videos at Blockbuster.com, and deletes any appointments called "Golf with the guys" or "Night out with the Girls." It also erases the phone number from the contact card for your 'ex', and puts in a monthly reminder for the anniversary of your first date.

The "Let's just be friends" virus: Immediately deletes the "I love you" virus, sends a "Let's Just be friends" response, and books you for a discount weekend at Hedonism at an online travel site.

The "Unsafe Sex" virus: Spreads unprotected files to every other hard disk on the net.

The "Safe Sex" virus: Wraps the "I Love You letter" in a container that keeps it from spreading 99.45% of the time.

The "Sexual Harassment Lawsuit" virus: Forwards a copy of the "I Love You" virus to Human Resources and to your lawyer with threatening legal language attached. Automatically accepts settlement offer emails over £100k.
Congressional Virus v 2.0 : Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Tipper Gore Virus : When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.

Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Warren Commission Virus : Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

David Duke Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.

Pat Buchanan Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Texas Virus : Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.

Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Warren Beatty Virus : Constantly tries to prove it's virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.

Airline Virus : You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS Virus : Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes to ask for money.

Kevorkian Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

Healthcare Virus : Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for £4,500.

Billy Graham Virus : When you save a file, it prints, "I am saved!" to the screen.

Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

More variations are being discovered every day, so make sure you update your virus protection.

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