Humour Help Desk Calls Help Desk Howlers 3

Help Desk Howlers 3

"PowerPoint"

End User: Hello?
HellDesk: Hello there. It's XXX here, you may remember I'm coming over next week to give a presentation on XXX to you guys.
End User: Yes, I remember. What can I do for you?
HellDesk: Well, I'm going to do a presentation on my PC and bring it over to you, if that's okay. But I need to know if you have PowerPoint.
End User: PowerPoint? Oh yes, no problem at all.
HellDesk: Oh, that's great. See you Tuesday, then.
End User: Okay. Bye.
(Tuesday comes around...)
HellDesk: Erm, excuse me, I've just tried to load up my presentation and you don't appear to have PowerPoint after all. I thought you said you had it?
End User: We have. Look, there are Power Points on the wall behind you!
HellDesk: Dur!

"Password? ... Pass!"

HellDesk: Hi, how can I help you?
End User: Hello, I am trying to connect to the Internet, but you people make it so terribly difficult.
HellDesk: What seems to be the problem?
End User: It's my password.
HellDesk: Do you mean you have a password for logging on that has been set up?
End User: Yes, I do. But how am I supposed to type it in?
HellDesk: It comes right after your user name. Just type it in.
End User: Well, I'm trying to, but all that shows up on the screen are these little stars instead of letters. How am I supposed to know what I'm typing?

"Spin Cycle"

HellDesk: Hello, you're through to the product help line. How can we help you?
End User: Well, my machine keeps skipping programs.
HellDesk: Okay, what it is the make and model of your machine?
End User: Erm, how would I tell?
HellDesk: Well, normally the make and model are written on the front of the machine. Can you see a name?
End User: Um... no.
HellDesk: Oh well, that's not really a problem. What do you see on the monitor when you turn the machine on?
End User: What's a monitor? All I've got in front of me is dials.
HellDesk: Hang on, this is a computer we're talking about, isn't it?
End User: No, it's a washing machine.

"Net Netwit"

(An enquiry from a potential hardware buyer...)
End User: And do you sell keyboards?
HellDesk: Yes, we have...
End User: Do you have any with Internet?
HellDesk: Um, excuse me?
End User: I would like a keyboard with Internet in it, and one of those buttons so I can push it and get Internet.

"Roger and Out"

HellDesk: Hello, technical support...?
End User: I am ready to send.
HellDesk: What?
End User: I am ready to send.
HellDesk: What are you ready to send?
End User: The file I am uploading. I am ready to send.
HellDesk: Ooooh-kay...what are you sending?
End User: I am submitting a file to you. I selected 'upload,' and it said, 'Ready to receive, waiting for signal,' so I called you, giving you my signal, so you can begin getting it.

"Backup Crack-up"

(In the middle of a call...)
HellDesk: Do you have a valid backup?
End User: Yes, of course.
HellDesk: When you came this morning, was anything printed out on the printer?
End User: Yes.
HellDesk: And what did it say?
End User: Just like it says every day.
HellDesk: Would you mind reading that off to me?
End User: Error XX: Backup Operation Failed.

"Dial-Up Cock-Up"

End User: I've been signed up with your service for over a week, and have not been able to connect even once because of busy signals. If I can't get any better service than that, I'm going to switch to another ISP.
HellDesk: Hmmm...that shouldn't be happening. We're no where near maxing out our dial up lines. Are you sure you're dialling the right number?
End User: I'm not stupid! I know my own phone number!

"Sparks Are Going to Fly..."

HellDesk: Good Morning, IT. Department...
End User: Hello, I've got a little bit of a problem with my terminal.
HellDesk: Yes...?
End User: Yes, there 's smoke coming out of the back of it, and quite a lot of sparks.
HellDesk: Well, switch it off at the wall, now!
End User: I can't do that!
HellDesk: Why not?
End User: There's some work on the screen that I haven't saved yet!

"Authentication Failure"

(In the middle of call...)
HellDesk: Well, let me look up your account information to make sure we have the correct password.
End User: OK.
HellDesk: Hmmm...let's re-enter your password.
End User: OK.
HellDesk: All right. Your password is 'XYZ123'.
End User: Oh, that's what I have written down, but that's not not what I put in.
HellDesk: What did you put in?
End User: 'FURBY'.
HellDesk: Why did you do that?
End User: Because I didn't like yours.

"Problem@UsersEnd.com"

End User: Hi, I want to change my email address.
HellDesk: Of course, sir, may I ask why?
End User: I think it's too long.
HellDesk: Can you tell me what your email address is now?
End User: firstnamelastnamestreetaddresszipcodeandphonenumber@[isp].com

"Porno Pain-o"

HellDesk: This is technical support returning your call for support. How can I help you?
End User: I want to lodge a complaint.
HellDesk: What seems to be the problem?
End User: I specifically asked you not to program my Internet with pornography. I want it removed immediately.

"Flipped Disk"

End User: I would like to buy a game for my kid.
HellDesk: Sure madam, come with me.
End User: Are these on floppy disks? The boxes are too light.
HellDesk: Well madam, games are not being released on diskettes any more. They are being released on CDs.
End User: CDs?
HellDesk: Well, do you know the CDs with music?
End User: Yes?
HellDesk: Same thing, only it contains a PC game, and we use it in the PC, in the CD-ROM drive. Do you have a CD-ROM drive in your PC?
End User: Well, I am not sure. Can I buy it and copy it on a floppy disk and use it from there?
HellDesk: Well no madam, that's not possible.
End User: Why?
HellDesk: It cannot fit in a single floppy disk. It's too small. The game is made to run from the CD and not from the floppy anyway.
End User: Well, I can use many floppy disks.
HellDesk: I told you madam, even if you copy it in the disks it won't work. And anyway you would need many disks to do that. Around 400.
End User: I think I have 400 disks in my home. How much does the game cost?

"Recycled Files"

End User: Can you answer a question?
HellDesk: Sure.
End User: See the recycle bin? Does someone come round and empty it occasionally?

"Windozy"

(Troubleshooting a laptop which wouldn't load up Windows 3.1 any more)
HellDesk: So, you say Windows won't load up when you boot the machine?
End User: That's right.
HellDesk: Okay, let's have a look at the little beast...
(The Operator does a directory of the hard drive)
HellDesk: Hang on! There's no 'WINDOWS' directory on this machine!
End User: Well, I've just learned how to use 'File Manager', and I noticed some files which looked as though they needed tidying up. So I deleted them. Is that wrong?
HellDesk: <Speechless>

"Setup Sorrow"

End User: My computer won't start up.
HellDesk: Is there a power light on?
End User: Yes.
HellDesk: Does it say anything on the monitor?
End User: Yes, it says 'press F2 for set-up, or press F1 to fill out a resumé'.

"Y2k-proof"

End User: Hello, tech. support, how may I help you?
HellDesk: I've just changed my Windows NT password to 'December 99'.
End User: Is that a problem...?
HellDesk: Yes, well I thought it might need to be 'December 1999'...
End User: Why?
HellDesk: Well, I don't know, you're the expert! I just wanted to make sure it was Millennium-proof!

"Network? More like Not-work! (II)"

HellDesk: Good morning, IT. Department...?
End User: Hi there. Could you help me out with a problem, I can't print from my PC.
HellDesk: Okay, is your printer connected to your PC, or is it on a network?
End User: Oh, it's on a network, but that doesn't matter because the network is down right now, and so no-one will be printing to it anyway.
HellDesk: <ROFL>

"Mister Angry"

End User: Hello, my name is Mister Brown, would you like my reference number?
HellDesk: (Thinks) We don't use reference numbers here, what's he talking about? I'm sorry, sir, but we don't use reference numbers here.
End User: Of course you do, it's 45563445324.
HellDesk: Right... so what can we do for you, Mister Brown?
End User: I want to know how you arrived at my last assessment.
HellDesk: Pardon...? I'm sorry, sir, I think you might have dialled the wrong number...
End User: I wanted the Child Support Agency.
HellDesk: I'm sorry, sir, this is a HelpDesk.
End User: So what's the number for the CSA, then?
HellDesk: I'm sorry, sir, I can't help you with that.
End user: Well, you're not a very good HelpDesk, then, are you? <Bbbbbrrrr...>

"ILOVEYOU"

HellDesk: Good morning, I.S. technical support...
End User: Oh, thank God I've managed to get through to you! There was a report on the Nine o' clock news last night about some new virulent computer virus which has just come out, and I think my PC has got it...
HellDesk: Just a moment, I...
End User: ...and the fridge and kettle in the office, and the photocopier!
HellDesk: Now hold on a moment, a virus can't infect anything other than your PC.
End User: Oh, but it must have done, everything in the office has gone dead!
HellDesk: Can you try the light switch for me?
End User: (Sound of user walking away from the 'phone and flicking a switch) <Exasperated> Oh my God! The lights are infected, too!
(What had really happened, of course, is that there had been a power cut...)

"A Battery of Errors"

(The situation is that a manager within the company concerned has gone onto long-term sickness leave, and has borrowed a laptop PC so she can dial in and collect her e-mail from home)
End User: I just can't understand it, I've done everything right, but nothing has happened.
HellDesk: What's the PC been doing since you connected it up?
End User: Well, it's counted up to 100% - very slowly, mind you - but other than that, nothing.
HellDesk: (suspicious)Hmmm... When you say it says "100%", where does it say that, exactly?
End User: Just on the little digital watch-type screen, above the keyboard.
HellDesk: And how long ago did you switch the laptop on?
End User: Switch it on? What do you mean "Switch it on?"
HellDesk: Well, the "100%" means that the PC is plugged into the mains and is switched on and charging the battery up, but it looks like you haven't actually switched it on.
End User: Oh. Well, nobody told me I had to switch it on...

Helpdesk Howlers 2

The Great Unwashed