Humour Help Desk Calls Help Desk Howlers 2

Help Desk Howlers 2

"Clairvoyant Techie"

(The helldesk support guy is half way through a call...)
HellDesk: Right then, now you should have a window on the screen with an 'OK' and a 'Cancel' button...
End User: Wow! Can you see my screen from there?

"Packing Problems"

End User: Can you help me? I'm having a problem unpacking my PC from its box.
HellDesk: Well, personally, I'd use a pair of scissors to slit the tape holding the box closed and then pull the PC out of the box from there.
End User: Great, I hadn't thought of that, thanks!

"Imvalid Connamd or Filemane"

HellDesk: Good morning, Help Desk?
End User: I'm having problems installing some of your software. I've put the disk into the floppy drive and typed 'A:\INSTALL', but then the PC says 'Invalid command or filename'.
HellDesk: Okay, can you open Windows Explorer, go onto the A: drive and make sure the INSTALL.EXE file is there.
End User: Yup, the file is there.
HellDesk: Can you try typing in 'A:\INSTALL' again?
End User: Okay... (Pause) No, I still get 'Invalid command or filename'.
HellDesk: Are you sure you're typing in 'A:\INSTALL', sir?
End User: Yes, of course I am. Except my N key doesn't work on my keyboard, so I'm using M instead. Does that matter?

"Barcode Blues"

HellDesk: Hello, Help Desk...
End User: Hello, I'm having problems with my PC. I've switched it on but it seems dead. I've checked the power cables, but they seem okay.
HellDesk: Can you read me the asset tag from the front of my machine for our records, please?
End User: What's the asset tag?
HellDesk: It's the silver sticker on the front of the PC with a barcode.
End User: Okay. Thick bar, thin bar, thin bar, thick bar, thick bar, thin bar...

"Windoze"

(The helldesk is in the middle of a call...)
HellDesk: Is your PC running under Windows, miss?
End User: No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point, because my colleague who sits next to me is working underneath the window. And his PC is fine!

"Mouse mat compatible"

HellDesk: Good afternoon, Help Desk...?
End User: Hello there. I've just purchased a computer from you, but there was no mouse mat included in the box and I was wondering if you could send me one?
HellDesk: Certainly, sir, that's not a problem.
End User: Ah, yes, but will the mouse mat be compatible with my PC...?

"High-Density Disk"

HellDesk: Hello, Help Desk?
End User: Hi. If I send you a floppy disk, could you copy the Internet onto it for me...?

"Yellow Peril"

(The HellDesk operator has been trying for some time to talk the user through a problem where her inkjet printer cannot 'print' in white, instead the printer is leaving these white areas yellow)
HellDesk: Well, I'm afraid I'm starting to run out of ideas. We've changed your printer drivers, we've changed the ink cartridges, and nothing seems to work. I think you might need to send your printer back to us so our engineers can look it over. Our postal address is...
End User: Oh, hang on, I've just had an idea. Do you think it's worth trying to print onto a sheet of white paper rather than this yellow stuff I've been printing on so far...?
HellDesk: Aaarrgghhh!

"The All-seeing Eye"

HellDesk: Good morning, Technical Support?
End User: Hello. I've just bought one of your printers and attached it to my PC, but when I try to print to the printer the PC just tells me it can't see the printer. I've even held the printer up in front of the PC screen, but the PC still can't see it!
HellDesk: ?

"Religious Icon"

(In the middle of a call...)
HellDesk: Right, now you need to click on the little icon of...
End User: Oh, this is why I hate Windows - because of the icons, I'm a Protestant and I don't believe in icons.
HellDesk: Well, it's just an industry term, sir, I don't think anyone meant to...
End User: I don't care about 'industry terms'. I don't believe in icons!
HellDesk: Okay, well then, why don't we call them 'little pictures' instead, sir?
End User: (Click...)
HellDesk: Hello, Sir...?

"Only Half the Story"

HellDesk: Hello, Help Desk?
End User: Hello, I'm having a problem with my laser printer. Every time I try to print a sheet off, the printer only prints off the top half of what I'm printing.
HellDesk: Have you checked that your PC is set to print on the size of paper which the printer is loaded with?
End User: Yes, and it looks fine.
HellDesk: Okay, I'll pop down to your office and check it out for you.
(The techie goes down to the users office and sends for a test print - which comes out fine. He then asks the user to send a test print to the printer. The user sends for a test sheet, and as soon as she's sent for it, she walks over to the printer and yanks the sheet out of the printer before it's finished printing.)
End User: There, see? It's done it again!

"Total Rewind"

HellDesk: Hello, Technical Support...?
End User: Hi there, I wonder if you could help me. I've typed a document out in WordPerfect, then I printed it, then I saved it, and quit out of WordPerfect.
HellDesk: And what's gone wrong, exactly?
End User: Well, now I've gone back into WordPerfect and I want to load up the document again, and make some changes to it. But I can't remember how to rewind the disk!

"International Call Rates Apply"

(The End User is 'phoning from a country outside the United Kingdom)
End User: Hello, Technical Support? I've just caught my son at an English website, and I was wondering how much AOL charge to visit a long distance website?
HellDesk: I beg your pardon?
End User: Well, doesn't the '.UK' at the end of the website mean the site is registered in the UK?
HellDesk: Well, yes. But it doesn't work that way on the Internet. You can surf anywhere in the world for the cost of a local call.
End User: Oh, that can't be right. The UK is a very long way away, and they must lose millions of dollars a year in 'phone calls!
HellDesk: No, because...
End User: I'll give AOL a call right now to see what they say, and I'll call you back.
HellDesk: But sir...
End User: (Click...)
(Some time later...)
End User: Hello? Well, AOL agree with you - there is no long distance charge for looking at overseas websites. But I do have another question which I thought of after I'd hung up the 'phone...?
HellDesk: Yes, sir?
End User: How much do they charge for long distance e-mail?
HellDesk: They don't - trust me.
End User: Oh great! My son works in Sweden. He sends us email, but I was always afraid to reply because I didn't know how much it would cost, so I just called him on the phone. This will save us so much money! Still, if AOL had any sense they would charge much more for this service. The fools!

"Weather Outlook"

End User: You know where it says 'Outlook Today' on a folder on the screen? If I double-click it, will it give me the weather forecast?

"It's a Hardvare Problem, Comrade..."

HellDesk: Hello, Hardware Support?
End User: (In a thick Russian Accent) Hallo. Monitor iss vorkink, but smoke and sparks are coming out off se back. Iss okay?
HellDesk: ?

"That'll Do Nicely, Sir!"

HellDesk: IT. Support, how can I help you?
End User: Yes, hi there. I was just using the Internet to shop for some CDs, and it's asked my for my credit card number. So, I've put my card into the credit card slot in my PC, but it just doesn't want to know!
HellDesk: Madam, I think you'll find that's a floppy disk drive...

"Ready, Steady... Stop!"

HellDesk: Good morning, IS. Department...
End User: Yes, hello. I'm having problems installing some software on my old DOS laptop.
HellDesk: Yeee-esss...
End User: The screen says 'Press ENTER when ready'.
HellDesk: And what exactly is the problem, sir?
End User: Well, how the hell do I know when it's ready?

"! Think, Therefore ! am"

HellDesk: Hello, IT. Department, how may we help you?
End User: Oh, hello. I was just trying to install the latest version of the Internet Browser software which you've sent me. I need to run the program called 'ieset-up.exe'. And I can't find the strange upside-down exclamation mark type-thing on my keyboard. Any ideas?
HellDesk: Sir, try the key between 'U' and 'O' on your keyboard.
End User: Yes, that's the one! Thanks very much indeed!

"Seedy ROM (i)"

HellDesk: Good Morning, Technical Support.
End User: Hi. I'm having problems installing this new software I've just bought. I put the first CD into the machine, and typed in the set-up command, and it seemed to work okay. Then it asked for CD number two, but when I put it into the machine, it says that's not the right CD.
HellDesk: And you're definitely putting the correct CD in the drive?
End User: Oh yes, I even had a friend of mine check it for me.
HellDesk: Okay, I'll have one of our technical support people come over and check it out for you.
(When the techie visited, what he found was that after the set-up program had asked for CD number two, the End User had put CD number two into the CD-ROM drive without first removing CD number one! So the machine had been correct in saying it had received the wrong disk, as it was still reading from CD one)

"Seedy ROM (ii)"

HellDesk: Hello, [name of a very famous ISP] Technical Support?
End User: I've just received one of your get-on-the-Internet-free CDs in a magazine, but my PCs CD drive won't read it.
HellDesk: Okay, I'd like to just check a few things through with you...
(The guy goes through the Win95 Control Panel settings, gets the user to try another CD in the machine, and so on, but with no luck)
End User: Well, I suppose I'll just have to... hang on, can I just check something with you? The CD does go into the drive shiny side up, doesn't it?
HellDesk: Aaarrgghhh!

Helpdesk Howlers

Helpdesk Howlers 3