Humour Help Desk Calls Help Desk Howlers

Help Desk Howlers

"Of course I've used one before!"

HellDesk: So, have you ever used a mouse before?
End User: What, a mouse? Oh yes, yes, many times.
HellDesk: Great. What I'd like you to do is to move your mouse pointer over this icon on the screen and double-click it.
(The user proceeds to pick up the mouse, place it up against the PC screen, and tries to click on the icon).
End User: Hey! This mouse isn't very good, the mouse pointer isn't going where I want it to!

"Colouring by Numbers"

HellDesk: Technical Support, how can I help you?
End User: Oh, hi there. I was wondering... how do I print a page from the company Intranet?
HellDesk: Just click the 'Print' button on the toolbar, it's shaped like a little printer.
End User: That's great, thanks. Bye.
(The user rings off. A couple of minutes pass by, then the `phone rings again)
End User: Hello again. That page from the Intranet has printed off, but it's in black and white!
HellDesk: (Thinks) Erm... yes, but isn't your printer a black and white only printer?
End User: Erm... yes...?

"You're nicked, my lad!"

HellDesk: Good morning, IT. Department...
End User: Hello. I just thought I'd ring you up to say thanks.
HellDesk: Oh, great. Um, what for exactly?
End User: Well, I see you've managed to get rid of that PC box thingy that's been taking up most of my desk and replaced it with a terminal. It's really cool. Except now it doesn't work, because I can't log in.
HellDesk: But we haven't changed your machine at all! (Confused) I'll come down and have a look at it for you.
(What had happened was that during the weekend, his PC system unit had been stolen, but the thief must have been disturbed and had left the keyboard and screen behind!)

"Dyspeptic PC"

HellDesk: Morning, Help Desk...
End User: You know it's very windy outside today?
HellDesk: Yes...?
End User: Is that what's making my PC screen flicker slightly?

"The Ex-Files"

HellDesk: Hello, IT. Department...
End User: Erm... my mainframe terminal session doesn't seem to want to work.
HellDesk: Is it giving you any error messages?
End User: Yes, it's saying it can't find the 'CONFIG' file. Whatever that is.
HellDesk: Okay, I'll come down to your office and take a look at it. (The technician walks down to the users PC and checks for the appropriate files on the users machine). Oh! For some reason the files which should be in the MAINFRAME directory aren't there.
End User: Oh, those! I thought they looked untidy and I deleted them. Is that a problem?

"The Techie who came in from the Cold"

(The technical support guy has been on the 'phone for a while now...)
HellDesk: Okay, now close the Window...
End User: Oh, erm... okay...
(Silence)
HellDesk: Sir, sir are you still there?
(Still silence)
End User: ...Hello, yes I'm back. I must admit it was getting kind of draughty in here!

"System box? What system box?"

HellDesk: Hello, Help Desk...?
End User: I've turned my system on, but nothing happens. Just the light on the monitor blinks from gold to green.
HellDesk: Oh, don't you remember, your PC system unit is sitting on my desk undergoing service, so you're without a PC for the moment?
End User: Oh... so, the keyboard, mouse and screen can't work on their own, then?
HellDesk: Not really, no!

"Network? More like Not-work!"

HellDesk: Hello, Internet support department, may I help you?
End User: Yes, hello, I've just got a copy of your free Internet connection CD, and I can't get it to work.
HellDesk: Okay, Is the CD starting up when you put it in?
End User: Nope.
HellDesk: Okay, can you hit your start button?
End User: Erm... no, I haven't got one. I've got a play button, though...
HellDesk: Umm, Do you have a modem?
End User: Yeah.
HellDesk: Do you have a Computer?
End User: What do I need that for? I Connected my modem to my CD Player, it should work!
HellDesk: (Stunned) How did you connect them together?
End User: I went to my local electronics shop to get an adapter, but they didn't have one, so I soldered my CD player to the modem.
HellDesk: Sir, you need to buy a computer to get onto the Internet!
End User: Really? I had no idea!

"Floppy risk"

HellDesk: Help Desk, hello?
End User: Hi there. I've put a floppy disk drive into my laptop and now I can't insert another one.
HellDesk: (Thinks: Okay, let's get the obvious stuff out of the way) Is the button on the floppy drive in or out?
End User: Out.
HellDesk: So, there's not a floppy already in the drive, so, let's see... Hold the disk label side up...
End User: (Interrupting) Wait a minute, label side UP?... Okay, that's got it. Thanks, bye! (Hangs up)
HellDesk: (shaking his head) Why...?

"Write 'right', right?"

(The technical support guy has been talking to the End User for some while now...)
HellDesk: Okay, now I need you to right click on the desktop.
End User: Okay.
HellDesk: Did you get a pop-up menu?
End User: No.
HellDesk: Hmm. Try right-clicking on the desktop again.
End User: Nope, still nothing.
HellDesk: (A little confused) Okay, sir, can you tell me what you've done so far, please?
End User: Sure. You asked me to write 'click' on the desktop, so I wrote 'click' on the screen using my keyboard.
HellDesk: (Trying to stifle a snigger) Erm...
End User: Have I done something dumb...?

"I've paid my money!"

HellDesk: Hardware Help Desk...?
End User: Hi there. I've just bought a new battery for my laptop PC, and I want you to tell me how to install it.
HellDesk: Sure. That information is on page eight of your PCs manual, it's very easy to follow.
End User: Now look, young man, I've just paid £2000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book!

"Subterranean Software Update Blues"

HellDesk: Good morning, Technical Support...
End User: Oh hello, I spoke to you last week about a problem I was having with my PC, and you've sent me an update disk, but it doesn't seem to work.
HellDesk: Okay, have you rebooted your PC since you installed the software update?
End User: Oh, do I have to install it on my PC first?

"My Word! (or not...)"

HellDesk: Hi there, this is the Help Desk. How may I help you?
End User: I'm having problems installing Microsoft Word.
HellDesk: Right, tell me how you're trying to install it.
End User: I inserted the floppy disk into the drive, and typed A:\SETUP and pressed RETURN.
HellDesk: Can you take the floppy disk out of the drive, and tell me what it says on its label?
End User: Okay... it says 'Windows Restore and Recovery disk'.
HellDesk: Madam, have you actually purchased Microsoft Word?
End User: Erm... no.

"Cordless / Hopeless mouse "

HellDesk: Good Afternoon, IT., how can I help?
End User: Hello, I'm just calling to say how much I appreciate you installing this new cordless mouse for me. It looks really great, and it will save me tangling up the mouse cable on my desk. But it doesn't seem to be working properly.
HellDesk: Oh, I wasn't aware that we'd installed a cordless mouse on your PC. I'll come down and have a look at it for you.
End User: Thanks.
(The technical support guy gets down to the PC to find that the user has somehow managed to cut the mouse cable by jamming it between her desk and the desk next to her and pulling on it!)

"Laughs with LANs"

HellDesk: Hello, IT. Department...?
End User: Hi. I've borrowed one of your loan laptop PCs, and I'm having trouble getting it to connect to the network.
HellDesk: Okay, how have you got it plugged into the network?
End User: Plugged in...?
HellDesk: Umm... you have got it plugged into our network, haven't you?
End User: (Sheepishly) Oh, yes, yes, I've done that all right.
HellDesk: Right then, which network cable did you use?
End User: Sorry...?
HellDesk: Which network cable did you use? Did you take the cable out of the back of your desktop PC, and then plug it into the laptop?
End User: Erm... no.
HellDesk: But the only network sockets on the wall in your office which are live are already plugged into your desktop PCs. So which network cable did you use?
End User: Erm, I took the network cable in my desktop PC out at the wall end, and plugged it into the laptop.
HellDesk: (Under his breath) Well done, you've just wired up your own private LAN!

Classic Things Said 3

Helpdesk Howlers 2