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Humour 
Our Power User
How To Get Ahead In IT
How to get ahead in IT
Bullshitter (3 month contract)
Bullshitter required. You will have at least three years experience of
doing jobs for which you have no skill or aptitude, ideally in a Unix
environment.
Skills to include bullshit, ideally to politician level, and waffle in
a technical capacity. Arse-covering skills will be an advantage. CBE (Certified
Bullshit Engineer) qualification essential.
Liar (6 month contract)
You will be working for a prestigious, high-profile company. You must
be able to claim a degree with first-class honours, preferably from Oxford
or Cambridge, and own a car which (although impressive) does not actually
exist. You will also be required to make up stories or explanations on
the hop, so experience of police work will be considered favourably. Ties
and/or certificates are provided to add convincing "colour"
to the successful applicant's statements.
Unix Guru (Rolling one month requirement)
Candidates must have at least three of the following qualities:
a stupid and unusual hairstyle with goatie beard,
fashion taste which stopped somewhere in the mid-60's,
a lifestyle quite unlike anyone else, or
a habit of wearing sandals with or without socks.
The ideal applicant will also have a Californian accent. Unix experience
not essential, but some keyboard skills may be useful.
Inexperienced timewaster wanted (urgent contract)
Candidates (under 21 years of age) must be able to fill out at least six
pages of a C.V. with claims of experience and knowledge totalling a minimum
of 150 years. In addition, they must also be able to claim involvement
with hobbies which nobody in their right mind could possibly fit into
a lifestyle which included, for example, sleeping or eating. The successful
applicant will have no real skills in any category whatsoever, but candidates
will be considered providing they do not know anything about C++ programming
or Project Management.
Destruct testers required. (3 month contract, extendable to 6 months)
Clumsy, careless oafs of a naturally foolish nature must demonstrate their
ineptitude with several, briefly-held, positions. The successful candidate
will be asked to break something during the interview, preferably in a
way which the interviewer will never have thought possible or remotely
likely.
E-commerce consultants. (3 hours, extendable to 12 years)
Experience in e-commerce not required. The successful applicant will have
no experience of any of the following: commerce, computers, the Internet,
good taste. A lack of design skills and a fixation with style over content
will also be important. You should have current experience in gross over-charging
and hoodwinking scrupulous clients. You will work with a bunch of other
opinionated irritating wankers, constructing a series of web-pages with
as many 'broken links' and loose ends as time and money allow.
Scapegoats. (One month contract with bonus on completion.)
Conscientious and hardworking individual. Experienced in customer support
and maintenance, you will have several demonstrable skills which can be
used to show why the interviewers were right to employ you, coupled with
a complete lack of awareness regarding arse-covering. You will work with
a close-knit team of temporary contractors and will travel from project
to project tasked with the job of tidying up the loose ends to ensure
customer acceptance and satisfaction.
Timewasters, timewasters, timewasters.
Six timewasters are required for an urgent contract in the Far-East of
Scotland, to start immediately. Skills must include six months coffee
machine, three months photocopying and general administration and a minimum
of one year "between assignments".
Unskilled slapheads required for six month contract.
Must have own suit (preferably brown). Own desk, and hatstand is provided
for suitable applicants. Lazy good-for-nothing with multiple chronic illnesses
sought to assist busy, interfering manager. Must be idle and shiftless.
A bad memory and/or dyslexia will be advantageous.
Noxious beancounter required.
Must interfere constantly and construct meaningless lists of serial numbers
and other pointless documentation. Numeracy/Literacy not a requirement,
but an interest in trainspotting is essential. Bad-breath and BO advantagious.
Contract is for an initial three months and may be extended indefinitely.
| Credit were credit is due. I do
not know who the original authors are, of many jokes found on my humour
pages. If you are or know who is the original author and can prove
it I will give the credit. Just send me an e-mail and I will get back
in touch with you. Unless you have proof, do not waste both our time.
Kindest regards, (webmaster). |
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