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Humour Classic Things They SayPUNTER: My CD-ROM doesn't work, and I'm really annoyed.TECH: What are you trying to run? PUNTER: My CD-ROM TECH: I mean what program(slight snarl) PUNTER: Well, I put the CD into the drive and nothing happens. TECH: Do you actually type or select anything? PUNTER: No. PUNTER: I can't get FunSchool 5 to run, it just crashes, and I'm running through DOS like it tells me. TECH: Have you tried reinstalling? PUNTER: Yes, in fact I'm in the Setup program now TECH: Read the selections to me PUNTER: OK, I've configured it same as before, Cirrus Logic Graphics card, controller is mouse, and soundcard is SoundBlaster. TECH: Does your machine have a soundcard? PUNTER: No I don't think so. PUNTER: I can't get out of Windows TECH: What have you got on screen? PUNTER: Production Manager. PUNTER: I haven't got enough memory to run SeaWolf TECH: Have you made a games boot disc through the installation program as it suggests? PUNTER: Yes ! TECH: Well? PUNTER: I've still got the same amount of conventional memory as before TECH: Have you actually tried booting up with the boot disc in the disc drive? PUNTER: Oh, is that what it's for? PUNTER: I can't find that Moss program TECH: I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you are on about. What is this Moss program? Do you mean DOS? PUNTER: No, it's that Home Accounting program. TECH: Right, I think what you mean is the SAGE program PUNTER: Yes, that's it. I knew it had something to do with plants. TECH: Hold down the shift key PUNTER: That's the caps lock key then? TECH: No, the SHIFT key sir PUNTER: Mine says CAPS LOCK on it TECH: No, the one below it PUNTER: Oh, the Big Up Arrow one! TECH: (After many boot failures) Are you sure it's DOS Disk One that's in the drive? PUNTER: (In anger) Yes I'll take it out and show you so you can see it for yourself!! PUNTER: It says press a key to continue TECH: OK PUNTER: Do I press a key then? TECH: Turn your machine off and restart PUNTER: (after long delay) ........What, turn it off and start again? PUNTER: I use your services a lot and I must admit that you all must be genius's TECH: Hardly PUNTER: No, don't belittle yourselves, you're all bloody marvellous. You have a hell of a lot of knowledge there (how did this one get in here?) PUNTER: Where can I find the "Mail" icon in windows? TECH: You mean, as in electronic mail? PUNTER: Yes that's right TECH: Are you on a network sir? PUNTER: No, why? TECH: Well Mail is just for transferring messages about on a network PUNTER: Well if I install windows again but with a network this time, will I be able to use Mail? TECH: Only if you're on a network sir PUNTER: Well how do I go about getting a network then? TECH: You have to buy at least two machines, a couple of network cards, some cable, some software etc....... PUNTER: Oh, right, thank-you. PUNTER: I've just bought Rise of the Robots and it says on the box "To play this game you need a sound card and a graphics card capable of SVGA graphics." TECH: Yes, so? PUNTER: Well I haven't got a soundcard or SVGA graphics. TECH: So? PUNTER: Well does it mean I can't run the game? TECH: Type in Format C: and press enter PUNTER: It say's formatting 3% ... How many does it go up to? PUNTER: I think that my system has locked up. The pointer is just sitting there in the middle of the screen. TECH: Can you move it at all? PUNTER: Yes. TECH: No...I don't think that it has locked up.... PUNTER: I've got a Highscreen that has installed a password onto itself while I was on holiday. It also formatted it's hard disk with double-space by itself. It did that twice. The first time I had to install all my software again, now it's done it again. I'm getting really sick of this, I want it swapping! TECH: ????????? PUNTER: Hello, do you do tubular models, one male and one female? TECH: ...I'm sorry, are you referring to models of computer? PUNTER: I'm not sure TECH: ...Well, are you aware that this is a help line for computers PUNTER: Yes. TECH: So what you're asking is... PUNTER: Do you do tubular models, one male and one female. TECH: ...I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you mean. PUNTER: I'll call you back. TECH: Good Evening, etc.. Calls are being charged at 49p a minute... PUNTER: (sound of coins being hastily fed into payphone) How much? I'm in a phonebox! Can you phone me back? TECH: No, sorry. PUNTER: Oh shi- beep beep eep...click TECH: (one minute later), Good Evening etc... Calls are being charged at 49p a minute... PUNTER: Are you sure you can't phone me back! TECH: No, I can't. Sorry. PUNTER: Oh shi- beep beep beep...click PUNTER: I can't get Works to run in Program Manager TECH: Have you loaded it? PUNTER: No TECH: Well try it. Just double-click on the Works Icon PUNTER: I can't TECH: Why not? PUNTER: It isn't there TECH: Which group is it in? PUNTER: What? TECH: The group, is there a Microsoft group, or a Productivity group? PUNTER: No TECH: What groups are there? PUNTER: None TECH: See the word "WINDOWS" at the top of the screen, click on it and it'll drop down a menu PUNTER: No it doesn't TECH: Try again PUNTER: Nope TECH: It hasn't given you a menu then? PUNTER: Yes TECH: Read off the lines then PUNTER: Main, Accessories, Microsoft, Productivity, etc... This came from a guy who works for a Software house CUSTOMER: I have problems with your software ADVISOR: Send me a copy of the disk and we will investigate the problem Next day on opening the mail he received a very nice photocopy of a program disk. TECH: What's on your screen at the moment? PUNTER: MS Works TECH: Could you get back to Program Manager for me please PUNTER: Right. I've got the C:\> prompt PUNTER: My HP500C won't print in colour. HP say the computer is faulty. TECH: I can't see that being right. Can we try a self test? (Customer sets up computer and follows instructions) TECH: Has it printed any colour? PUNTER: No TECH: Hmmm. That's funny. PUNTER: Oh. Do you think I should put the colour cartridge in? PUNTER: My machine has broken, it doesn't work anymore. TECH: What make you say that? PUNTER: I exited out of Navigator and it said "Are you sure you wish to exit?", then the screen went blank. TECH: Can you see anything at all on the screen? PUNTER: Only on the left side, where it says "C:\>"... PUNTER: Hello, I'm running Windows in enchanted mode... PUNTER: I want to book a job in, I've already rang once and he took all my details and then said I needed my policy number. TECH: OK Lets get started then. (blah, blah)..... What machine is it? PUNTER: (after much debate) PS/1 TECH: Which one sir? PUNTER: I don't know! TECH: It has another part to the model number, four digits, etc, etc.... PUNTER: I'm going to have to call back yet again then? TECH: Well yes, until you know what machine you actually have I don't know which parts to book. PUNTER: Why not? PUNTER: I've lost Tabworks on my Compaq, HELP! TECH: No worries, tell me, what exactly happened. PUNTER: Well, there was this icon what said "UNINSTALL TABWORKS" with a big red cross through it. So I clicked on it and it said DO YOU REALLY WANT TO UNINSTALL TABWORKS, so I pressed yes naturally. TECH: Mmmmmm tell me about your childhood. Punter has just finished writing his first book on his new computer. He has got to send it to the Publisher immediately, and there is just a hint of panic in his voice.PUNTER: I have just finished writing my book and saved the file on the hard disk. I then started a new file with nothing in it and saved it on the hard disk with the same name as my book. TECH: Yes... PUNTER: Now when I open the file to look at my book there is nothing in it. Why, and is there anything I can do? TECH: Do you remember what your book was about, and how fast can you type? PUNTER: I have just gone into the mouse icon in the control panel and set the click speed to max to see what it did. TECH: And? PUNTER: I cannot click my mouse that fast and I cannot get back into the Control Panel to set it back again. PUNTER: I've just bought a Toshiba laptop and Lotus Smartsuite. I've backed-up my bundled software, onto the Lotus Smartsuite disks......... Now Smartsuite won't install. PUNTER: I`ve got a problem with my Advent. TECH: OK what's the problem? PUNTER: Well it's all pink you see. TECH: Pink? The monitor, right? PUNTER: No, the computer. TECH: Oh... PUNTER: You see I left it in the hall way when we were painting and I covered the keyboard and the monitor but not the computer itself, and now my 6 year old son`s got his hands on it and the pink paint and just to make things worse he put painted floppy disks in the floppy drive and now I don`t want to switch it back on! TECH: Are you covered by warranty? PUNTER: No. TECH: Tell me, how do you feel about your son becoming an artist at such an early age? TECH: OK, you need a new hard drive, do you know what size you've got fitted? PUNTER: I'll just find out..... In the background punter can be heard "Just pass me that ruler please..." PUNTER: 32 inches by 33 inches PUNTER: My fax is broken TECH: What's the problem with it? PUNTER: It's putting a red line about 1 cm thick down the edge of the page, how soon can you fix it? TECH: Is it starting to run low on paper? PUNTER: How should I know? PUNTER: I've got a new Compaq, and I've been stuck in DOS since last night, I've tried everything.. TECH: What have you got on the screen now? PUNTER: C:\WINDOWS TECH: OK. Type WIN and press the enter key PUNTER: ...oh...thankyou... TECH: ...and what's the postcode there? PUNTER: The code? TECH: Yes. The postcode. PUNTER: I don't know. TECH: We need it to know what engineer to send. PUNTER: What? From Durham to here? TECH: No. Just the postcode. PUNTER: Are you in Durham? TECH: No PUNTER: I don't know what the postcode is from Durham to here. I'll ask my husband. PUNTER: OK. It's Gives correct postcode. TECH: Good. What's the phone number?' PUNTER: 863... TECH: No. What's the code PUNTER: From Durham to here? TECH: Sob. Sob. No. Just the code for [place name deleted to protect innocent residents]. PUNTER: I don't know. Will you need that? I've got the phone number. TECH: But we need the code to be able to ring you. PUNTER: I'll go and ask my husband. PUNTER: How do I start WordPerfect 5.1? TECH: Type WP at the DOS prompt PUNTER: I've done that, and it did not work TECH: Have you got a copy of WordPerfect 5.1 installed on this system? PUNTER: No... PUNTER: I can't get enough continental memory.. TECH: When it says STARTING MSDOS, press F5. You must do this AS SOON AS you see STARTING MS-DOS. You must be quick as it is only on the screen for a second. Do not stop to think. Do not hesitate. Press F5 IMMEDIATELY! Ok...now restart your machine. PUNTER: ...It says Starting MSDOS....do I press F5 now? PUNTER: It says "Printer not connected correctly" and it won't print. TECH: Have you checked the connection? PUNTER: Which one? TECH: To the printer PUNTER: No. Should I do that? TECH: Is it running under Windows? PUNTER: Good point! I'm by the wall, but Fred's using his under the Window and he isn't having any problems. Hang on and I'll move my desk. PUNTER: I've just bought a fax modem and it won't dial long distance numbers. TECH: Hmmm. What's it doing? PUNTER: When we put a local number, like one of our friends in, it rings fine, but when we put in a long distance number to use the modem, we just get that recorded message saying "...please check the number and dial again". TECH: Yes. Probably down to how it's set up to dial long distance numbers. It might be set to dial codes starting with one, not zero, for Americans. PUNTER: But we don't know how to change that. We've looked at all the settings, and the manual isn't very good. TECH: It'll be there somewhere, perhaps under "Long distance number prefix" or something. PUNTER: Yes, but it's not exactly for the numbers, though, is it? TECH: Er... What exactly are you trying to dial? PUNTER: These web things. Not numbers - WWW\\ and all that. TECH: Ah. I think we might be getting close to what the problem is. Those aren't phone numbers. PUNTER: But we've tried proper numbers too. We've tried some of these e-mail address things, and they don't work either. TECH: Hmmm. But not actually any phone numbers then? PUNTER: Should we have to dial a phone number? The guy in the shop said... PUNTER: I need to install a program, how do I do it? TECH: Find disk 1 and type ...... PUNTER: How do I know which one is disk one? TECH: Why, it's the one labelled as Microsoft Windows, Disk 37 of 4. Well, what else could it say? TECH: Type A:SETUP and that will start windows installation. PUNTER: A, then what? TECH: Colon PUNTER: What's that? TECH: A dot above a dot PUNTER: How do I get that? TECH: Hold down SHIFT PUNTER: Where's that? TECH: Below the CAPS LOCK key, with a big up-arrow on it PUNTER: OK., just a minute (momentary delay) Right, now what do I press to get the colon? TECH: The key to the right of the L key PUNTER: Just a minute (another delay) OK., now what? TECH: Type set-up PUNTER: Just a minute (another delay) Now what TECH: Press enter PUNTER: Just a minute, don't go away (another mind-boggling delay) Alright, it's going again, now what? TECH: It's already running isn't it? PUNTER: Oh, yes! Right, thanks then, bye. (Three minutes and one phone call later).....PUNTER: Hello, it's me again, it said CHOOSE EXPRESS SETUP AND PRESS ENTER TO CONTINUE but I've done that and it's not working. TECH: Try pressing ENTER again. PUNTER: Oh yes! thank you, bye (A few minutes later).......PUNTER: Hello, It's me again (Who I wonder?). It says ENTER YOUR NAME. I've put my name in. Is that right? TECH: Yes sir (now speaking through gritted teeth). PUNTER: OK., bye then. PUNTER: I'm having a problem. I can find Works, Lotus, Navigator, in fact, everything else, by using the little START button in the bottom left corner of the screen but I can't find Windows 95!! PUNTER: I've got an Advent, and I want to know if its possible for it to scan all my directories for viruses when it starts up? TECH: Yes of course, just use a virus checker. PUNTER: What's that? PUNTER: Hello I`ve got a Packard Bell 486 and I want to use a microphone with it. TECH: OK., have you got a sound card? PUNTER: Err no, do I need one? TECH: Yes it would help. PUNTER: Arr, right thanks, bye. PUNTER: I've got this CD with my Packard Bell. "Learn French with Asterix". TECH: Yes PUNTER: Well, I can't understand it, it's speaking in French PUNTER: I've got a problem with this computer we've just bought. TECH: What machine is it? PUNTER: It's a Packard Bell. TECH: OK. What's the problem? PUNTER: It's Untitled. I think there's something we just haven't done yet, but all the software was supposed to be in there. It just keeps coming up Untitled. It's CorelDRAW! 4 and it's untitled....Hello? It's just saying untitled. Are we supposed to put something else on it? Hello? TECH:You'll just have to hang on whilst I laugh... PUNTER: It says "In order for these changes to take effect.." TECH: OK., click on the button labelled "Restart windows now" PUNTER: Which one is that then? TECH: The one that says "Restart windows now" PUNTER: Oh yes! - I'm new to all this....he-he.... TECH: Which version of Windows do you have sir? PUNTER: I Don't know TECH: Well how do you start programs? PUNTER: What do you mean? TECH: How do you start Works for example?....... Do you click on a little picture....., or do you select from a menu?........ Do you have a START button in the bottom left corner? PUNTER: I don't understand the question TECH: When you start the machine it puts up the version of windows in V-E-R-Y B-I-G letters, does it say 3-something, or Windows 95? PUNTER: I don't know. Perhaps I'll run it and see, then call you back PUNTER: I'm having problems logging onto the Internet TECH: What's happening PUNTER: Well how do I do it? TECH: Who is your service provider? PUNTER: What? TECH: Who is your Internet account with? PUNTER: What account? PUNTER: What do I type in at the C prompt to start Word for Windows? TECH: It's a Windows program sir, so you'll need to start it from Windows, not DOS. PUNTER: But I've spilt coffee on my manual..... PUNTER: Oh. Can you just hold on for a minute? TECH: Yes, OK. PUNTER: ER I've got to go for a wee - sorry. TECH: ER Can I remind you that this wee is being charged at 39p a minute. TECH: OK. Click on 'Settings'. ... PUNTER: Oh. TECH: What's it doing? PUNTER: It's just going 'Brrrr Brrrr'.... Oh.... Look at that! Look! See what it's doing now! PUNTER: Got this game, Jurassic Park - don't run... TECH: You need to speak to the makers of the software PUNTER: Where are they? TECH: Who made the game? PUNTER: Just a minute....(long break)......hello?...Steven Spielberg. TECH: Oh... TECH: Could you put that CD into the drive? PUNTER: Er...Sorry, you'll have to talk me through that. TECH: Good afternoon, etc ... Calls are charged at 49p per min. How can I help you? PUNTER: Good afternoon, My names Bill, I'm using Windows 95 and I'm on drugs. I hope you can help me.. PUNTER: My light on my monitor keeps flashing at me TECH: When you turned the PC on which switch did you use? PUNTER: The one on the monitor TECH: Have you turned the computer on? PUNTER: How do you do that? TECH: Well, there is a switch on the front of the machine that you press to turn it on. PUNTER: ...Oh. PUNTER: I'm trying to set my password up for Faxworks. TECH: OK., so, what does it say. PUNTER: It says enter a four DIGIT password and I'm trying to put in "BLUE". TECH: Mmm, right. I think what its trying to say is.... TECH: What processor is in the machine? PUNTER: Processor? I don't know...I think I just go into Notepad, don't I? TECH: Good morning, you're through to ..... PUNTER: I've got a problem with my spreadsheet. TECH: Oh yes, which spreadsheet do you have? PUNTER: Windows 93. TECH: No sir, Windows is not a spreadsheet. Which version of Windows do you have? PUNTER: Windows 93 TECH: No sir, you either have windows 3.1 or windows 95. Which one have you got. PUNTER: Windows 93. TECH: Are you sure? PUNTER: Yes definitely Windows 93. TECH: Just try this for me sir, go to Help, go to About, what does it say? PUNTER: Windows v3.11 TECH: (through gritted teeth) So which version of Windows do you have? PUNTER: Windows 3.11 TECH: Thank you! Now you were saying that you have a problem with a spreadsheet. Which one do you have? PUNTER: Windows 93 TECH: Sob.. TECH: So you've got a Packard Bell 901s PUNTER: Yes. TECH: So what is the problem.? PUNTER: Windows 95 has locked up on me. Also I've just installed the Stealth 2 meg D Ram video driver disc. TECH: Really ! Those stealth cards are pretty neat, wait a minute! You did say you had a Packard Bell didn't you ! PUNTER: Yes! TECH: Have you actually bought a Diamond Stealth graphic card? PUNTER: No. What's one of them then? PUNTER: When I turn my machine on it is continually freezing... TECH: Do you have Windows in your machine? PUNTER: No, but I have an egg rack and salad tray. At this point it becomes apparent the bloke has a fridge freezer, and not a computer.... TECH: Good evening, etc... PUNTER: Oh hello, I have a problem with my Apricot MS540, I keep getting an error on my screen when I load Cyberworks TECH: OK., what does the error say ? PUNTER: I don't know. TECH: Well, can you read it ? PUNTER: No, I'm not in front of the machine. TECH: OK., can you get near the machine and turn it on ? PUNTER: No, not really, the machines at my office, and I'm at home TECH: So you didn't right down the error, you don't know what the error was, and you can't run the program now so that you can tell me the error ? PUNTER: That's right. TECH: I see..What would you like me to do for you exactly madam ? PUNTER: My computer has gone down on me TECH: Yes, isn't it amazing what they can do nowadays!
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