Newbie Guides Beginners Corner PC Junkie, All Nighter

All Nighter's

You're not a real computer junkie until you've pulled an all-nighter.

All-nighters usually start in the early evening and extend through to the wee hours. Only the true, insane, lunatic computer fringe can do an all-nighter.

It's really quite easy to do. Just sit in front of the computer (with it on, mind you), and play.

Play really isn't the best word for using a computer. I used to be accused of "playing" with the computer. People wouldn't disturb me because I was "playing on the computer." No. No. No. You play the piano. You play the radio. You play doctor. You *work* on the computer.

In order to experience your first all-nighter you'll need a few things. First, you must capture the proper posture. Forget those ergonomically correct computer chairs. Forget the knee pads and pillow for extra lumbar support. You're about to spend a night of computing, not getting your nails done.

The best chair to use for your first all-nighter is a kitchen chair, preferably a real cheap one. If it has wobbly legs it's even better. Sitting in this chair should lead to back strain. It's a requirement. All night computer users have two solutions: Take a break every hour and lay flat on the floor. Or, before you start, swallow about 900 paracetamol.

Once you have the chair set up, make sure you have plenty of snacks to munch on. Twix's, buiscuits, cold pizza, hard toast, coke, crisps, a jar of peanut butter, and anything else which the surgeon general has condemned as having no nutritional value whatsoever.

Next comes software. You aren't just gonna sit there, chew crisps and play with the on/off switch. You've got to be productive. This doesn't require a lot of software. No. As a matter of fact, the less software you have, the more successful your all-nighter will be.

First, if you have a modem (the instant key to a successful all-nighter), you'll need communications software. Make sure the software is user-malevolent and that you don't have the manual handy. Programming languages are great for passing the time away. So are drawing programs, any program that can make graphs or music programs. The 3:00 a.m. to 4:00 a.m. stretch is the hardest--and nothing rouses you better than your computer pealing away Beethoven's Fifth.

And, of course, you'll need games. Adventure games are best. Shoot-em-ups can be used to gauge your co-ordination. If too many aliens are eating your little man, it's time to lay on the floor and listen to Roger Waters.

Be careful not to overload yourself with software. Excess software leads to boredom. You'll be quick to stop playing--uh, working at one software package and start another. If you only have three types of software you'll be less hesitant to randomly switch.

If no one else is up to watch you, turn out all the lights. The only light in the room should be your computer's monitor. Not only does this look mysterious (set up a Polaroid and get a reverse shot of your computing--it's scary), but it will make your eyes look really bleary in the morning.

If you're having trouble concentrating, or you notice it's only 11:30 and you're all done, follow this convenient list of activities. It should guide you through your first all-nighter and make you a card-carrying member of the 'All Night Computer Society.

11:00 p.m. Hacking should get right underway. Start out with some modeming (assuming you have a modem.) Dial up a few on-line services and chat with people. Or better yet, dial up a local BBS and leave private messages to everyone. Beg them to send you mail.

If you lack a modem, turn on the TV. Watch the most remote cable channel you have. My favourite is Shopping Channel. I sit there with my spreadsheet and enter the cost amounts of every TV offer and promotion they have. Then I create a pie graph and find out which offer costs the most or was advertised the most. (Funeral Plans took the lion's share one night, while vacuum cleaners--took second place.)

Around 12:30, the late night news comes on. No all-nighter would be complete without watching the news with one eye and your monitor with another. The news is a requirement for any all-nighter. Unless it's a repeat, then watch the teletext pages and pretend it's the funny by laughing in all the right places.

During the halfway point of the news show you should get up and refuel. Walk to the fridge and grab that ice cream. Lie on your back on the floor. Take a breather. Try to eat the ice cream without getting your fingers sticky.

2:00 a.m. Mr. Sleep is probably knocking on your eyelids now. So, to keep that mind alert and those fingers active, it's time to start programming! Your first programming task should be to write a routine to calculate and display all the permutations of the word floccinoccihillipillification. If this is done too easily, write a program which bounces a little ball across the screen ala Pong.

3:30 a.m. After becoming totally frustrated with the programming problem you have two choices: Take a rest and play a game. Or saunter on down to the 24-hour garage and buy more ice cream.

4:00 a.m. Time for either graphics or a music program. If you lack a music program, turn the radio on to a local station. You hear the most bizarre things at 4:00 a.m., which your taxpayer's money actually pay for.

If sleep is a problem, try mixing some Irn Bru, sugar, and coffee with some Frosted Corn Flakes. A friend of mine tried this and he still hasn't gone to sleep.

6:00 a.m. Well, you made it! Congratulations. You should now crawl into your room for a well-deserved rest. Click your heels together three times and mumble, "There's no place like bed! There's no place like bed!"

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